I’ve always considered myself to be a relatively grounded and strong person. I knew myself really well and I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had so much passion, so much drive. And it seemed like if I really put my mind to it, I could do anything I wanted to. My mom always told me so, so there was no reason to disbelieve it.
But, now, I don’t know anymore.
Despite the fact that I am studying English writing, there was always a part inside of me that had something else in mind. In my heart and soul, I am a dancer and a singer and an actor. I dreamed about it when I was asleep and thought about it all the time I was awake. I was born a performer and no matter what else I set up as a backup plan, it was ALWAYS my intention to pursue a career in that. Sure, it wouldn’t be easy. Sure, I had to be practical about it. But I spent all of middle school and high school immersing myself into that world.
To help prepare, I performed in and worked in over 24 theatre productions in less than 6 years, at least half of those being musicals. In high school, I held the positions of representative, vice president, and president in my division of the International Thespian Society. I was at the rank of International Thespian by the time I graduated. I joined every choir I could afford to at my school. I got 5 credits just in advanced choir and show choir. I spent a semester conducting and singing with Women’s Ensemble. 2 years in a row, I wasn’t enrolled in the class but I learned the Advanced Choir’s music outside of school and performed in the concerts with them. I went to 2 years of DoDEA Honors Choir. I learned a new musical instrument and continued practicing the ones I already knew. I auditioned to be the vocalist for the Jazz Band every single year. I taught myself new styles of dance- hip hop and jazz. I choreographed for all the choirs. I helped choreograph for the musicals. I spent all my extra time investing and improving in my passion and it was a labor of love. Every hour I spent practicing was a step closer to achieving my dreams. Every social outing I missed was necessary collateral in the grand scheme of things.
Moving forward, I was ready to continue preparing myself to pursue this career in college. I was going to audition for the productions, participate in more acting classes, get some formal training in classical dance. I was ready to move forward with this passion even while I was getting a degree in something sturdier. However, what I expected least was to get a knee injury which would keep me off my feet (for the most part). I am going on 4 months since I first got injured and have gotten no closer to being able to dance again or stand/walk for more than an hour. I keep pushing myself to my limit with my exercises. I try to ignore the pain but it’s too strong. I couldn’t stand long enough to perform, let alone dance.
And trust me, I’ve tried. Today I tried to get up and do some very basic dance moves. I was sitting down after a minute of dancing because my knee had shooting and stabbing pain. I tried pushing how long I can stand; my knee buckled underneath me. The only thing I can still do at all is sing and play my instruments. I can’t even perform that unless I am sitting.
So, what now? I seem to have fallen down the rabbit hole, lost my way. How do I get back to where I once was? How long will it take me to get where I am going? Do I even have a chance anymore? I’ve lost myself and I really don’t know where to go from here.