This is the first time I’ve been able to make a coherent, complete piece of writing about my sexuality as it’s such an emotional, raw topic. I only came out publicly as being bisexual a couple months ago, despite knowing this since 4th grade (Mind you, back then, I just knew that I liked both girls and boys. I didn’t know the term). It’s been hard sometimes, but I’m happy I am living my truth now.
I live in a perpetual gray area. As a bisexual woman, I am certainly not a part of the majority, but I’m rejected by the minority community. I’m judged as being greedy or indecisive. Lesbian women view me as curious but straight. Not a viable option to be with. Straight men view me as promiscuous and a chance for a threesome. Also not a viable option.
Mind you, there are exceptions on every side.
Luckily, I am with an amazing man who is educated and understanding of who I am. I have some pretty great friends by my side who have been supportive of me. My family is loving.
But, that doesn’t stop me from feeling the isolation that comes with my sexuality. I fought so hard to accept myself and come out. Yet, I am somehow made to feel bad any direction I step. I’m seen as attention-seeking by most women. I’m objectified by most men. I don’t feel welcome at PFLAG meetings, LGBTQ+ clubs, or pride festivals. I’ve gotten sick of hearing that bisexuality doesn’t exist or that I’m hurting the image of the LGBTQ+ community. I thought I was a part of that community. Apparently I was wrong though.
I feel invisible. Hidden in the shadows. Stuck in an eternal sexuality limbo.
People need to realize, it isn’t black and white. My sexuality isn’t just a stepping stone. Just because I’m engaged to a man, it doesn’t mean I am all of a sudden straight. It also doesn’t mean I am going to cheat on my fiance. Yes, I can marry one person without wanting someone of another gender. I have self control, and I love my future-husband. He is my soulmate. My goodness, if my fiance feels confident in my loyalty, why is it anyone else’s concern?
Furthermore, I do not have the benefit of being a part of the majority simply because my chosen life partner is a man. That’s cultural appropriation and incredibly offensive, given how hard I fought to be who I am. I don’t magically become free of judgement and hate because my relationship blends in. In fact, either way, I get hate from both sides of the spectrum.
What am I supposed to do in a society which doesn’t even recognize my existence?
Why is it that proud bisexuals, like Channing Tatum or Freddie Mercury, are dismissed as being straight or gay?
Why is it that I have to explain that there are bad people of every sexuality? That anybody can cheat no matter who they are attracted to?
Why do I have to defend myself that I’m not “testing the waters,” “experimenting,””questioning,” or whatever other derogatory label you can put on me to nullify the validity of my sexual identity?
In a time when two people can marry regardless of their gender, in a time when it’s okay to walk down the street holding the hand of your same-sex partner, in a time when there is a lot of public support for the queer community, why is it that I am still stuck in the gray area as a ghost of sexuality’s limbo?