I’ve been very lost lately.
There is a lot of uncertainty with my thoughts, feelings, actions. I am going through trauma therapy and that brings up a lot of questions that I don’t have answers for. My struggles with PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression make me perpetually exhausted, seeking out some sort of guidance towards peace and recovery. I am not sure whether I believe in the Christian God anymore, at least not how they are currently conceptualized. I don’t feel very drawn to many other religions. My leg problems result in a lack of hope, a despair that things will only continue to get harder for me. My poor communication and dedication to others makes me fearful that my friends will realize how damaged I seem, then leave me alone.
So I look to the beliefs I do have.
I believe in the power of positive thought. I believe in mental energy that is capable of being manipulated for good things or bad things. I believe in angels and demons. I believe in the innate goodness of people. I believe in trying new things.
Trying new things is extremely important to me. So many people half hardheartedly partake in things they have not done before. I want to fully throw myself into new experiences that are unique, meaningful, interesting. I want to live my life knowing that I tried everything that I could. I would be disappointed in dying without having really lived life to its fullest. So, I put myself out there in ways that are potentially awkward or uncomfortable or that I’m not entirely sure about.
What is the worst that can happen?
Okay don’t actually answer that question. I have anxiety and my mind is already giving me 1000 different negative answers. I do not need more.
My belief in trying new things. That is what went through my mind earlier today when my husband and I were walking through the Kilauea Night Market. I saw a booth advertising tarot card reading, aura cleansing, and other psychic related things.
My first thought: I don’t believe in that crap.
My second thought: Why not? Have you actually made an effort to try it?
My third thought: If I am willing to jump of cliffs, go paragliding, travel to countries where I do not speak the language, get tattoos, perform in front of people, believe in unique things, and experience other cultures, what makes this something I am unwilling to try.
So I tried it.
At first it was a little uncomfortable. I was not sure what to say or ask or share. I wanted to see how this worked. With each card, the lady explained what it meant and how it interacted with me. She went through a couple different decks. She told me things that she sensed about me and the people surrounding me. And, the more she said, the more I relaxed. She told me things I needed to hear. Even if it isn’t true (I’m willing to consider it), it surrounded me with positive thoughts about myself and my life. It provided me with hope that things might get better. I gave me a sense of self.
Whether psychics and auras and tarot cards are true or not, this experience did more for me than most anything I’ve tried to feel better recently.
This is why there is value in really trying something, even if you are skeptical.
You never know what is going to help.