I’m Having A Hard Night (A Stream of Consciousness Post)

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I’m having a really hard night, as you probably already guessed from my post title.

I’m in immense pain. My back hurts where I got surgery. The change in weather, temperature, and air pressure has taken a toll on my nervous system. I’m at 8 or 9 level pain on my back. (Some people reading this will probably assume I am over-exaggerating, but y’all need to go look up Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome if you question the validity of my pain. It is regularly described by doctors as one of the most painful nerve disorders.) On top of this, my leg is up to a 5 pain level even with the spinal cord stimulator turned up high. It’s miserable.

In addition to this, I’m going through a major depressive episode, lasting for the past month or month and a half. I’ve been crying almost every single day. I have minimal energy, motivation, hope. My sleep and anxiety became so severe that I had to go back to the doctor to adjust my medication dosages. I’m experiencing moodiness and constant fatigue while acclimating to a higher dosage and frequency of my benzos.

Usually, I try not to be negative.

But, right now, I’m negative.

Tonight, I had to choose between taking my anxiety meds and suffering through pain or taking my pain medications and suffering without my anxiety meds. The even worse part is that either option leaves me awake. I can’t sleep with 8 level pain. I also can’t sleep with overwhelming anxiety. And if I took both of them, I could die. I don’t want to die. Right now, I feel angry, sad, frustrated, annoyed, and about a million other negative emotions.

If someone could please switch bodies with me so that I could get a good night’s sleep, do some errands tomorrow, and be a functional human being for a little bit, I would superbly appreciate it.

Obviously, that isn’t possible though.

I’m going to go watch Gilmore Girls now and try to block out my bleak thoughts.

Goodnight.

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